This week I wasn’t sure what to write. I felt off this week as we cross into the dead of winter with temperatures dropping below zero this week. It was cold to say the least and I felt it in my soul. This whole week I have felt a bit off, as if my mood is more moody than usual. Then I realized, I am a Florida girl living in the Midwest and that lack of vitamin D is hitting different this week lol! But beyond that, I had recently just finished a fast with my church. It was a 2 week fast on the Daniel fast where it got progressively intense. The first 7 days was a normal Daniel fast. The next 4 days were focused on eating one meal a day on the Daniel fast. The final 3 days was a water fast! The past year, particularly in 2024 I had fasted like I never have before and what its done for me is quite powerful! This was not a goal of mine or anything but honest came out of a function of me coming to the end of myself in 2024. From job burnout to questioning where my life was/is going in my early 30s. What do I want and who do I want to be? These questions that too often I would like to bury under the guise of being busy. In this quieter season I feel I can hear myself clearly. What I am sad about , mad about , frustrated about. I feel a sense of me that has been lost. I feel a me I have often been too afraid to tap into. And it was only found in the surrendering to God what life looks like here in the now.And I think its why I am more attuned to myself than I have ever been.

Where Am I going?

As I check in with myself today and what I would be grieving, comfort came to mind. This past year I accomplished one of my goals of turning my basement into a studio apt that I can rent out or live in as I rent out the top. This would allow me to save up enough to buy another primary and then I’d rinse and repeat this same strategy. This has been a dream of mine since buying my home! And its here, after all the craziness with a frustrating contractor, missed inspections and much money spent- I did it! But as I pondered moving forward with preparing to rent my place, I felt a hesitancy in me. I didn’t know why but I was procrastinating preparing my home to be rented. And maybe its silly, but I asked myself why? And to be honest, It just felt unreal and uncomfortable. Can I really be doing this? Did I truly make the first step of my plan work? So why was I hesitating with that? Comfort. The life I feel God has for me requires change. With Every change comes a loss and with every loss, there is grief. I do not remember the author of this quote. But I remember a leader of mine used to say it all the time. And it made me realize how much in life we grieve when change comes. How I don’t tend to realize, I can still grieve an old life that felt familiar to me, even if I know there is a new way that is better. And as I write that, I feel that’s it. I am grieving what’s oh so comfortable to me and what feel normal to me. Often I am happy if I have plans that filled my calendar to the brim because it meant people wanted to hang out with me and that translated to being loved or chosen. But I often found myself, lost. Lost in the plans of others and lost to my own wants and desires. I was going and going and never stopping to consider, where am I going? Do I want to follow this flow? And where do I want my life to go?

Grief Even in the Good

The last 6-10 months, I have felt the most transformation in me I have seen in a long time.I am sure some of the fasting was apart of it! While scrolling tiktok, I came across and interview with Obama where he said for 2 years he fasted, read books and just focused on personal growth. I feel I am in a season of internal focus like that. And for the first time I am doing some things that I have often dreaded, having hard convos, standing on my convictions, sharing my heart when I rather hide the truth. All of this has been good and hard. Is it odd to say I feel foreign in my own skin? I grieve at times a me that just ignored some of the things I am now addressing. Heck, writing this blog where I share my grief is one of those things! Sharing to the public what I am feeling as I feel them, not while on the mountaintop but somewhere in between? I am not sure this resonates or makes sense. but there is a grieving I am doing of the me I was before choosing to become the most authentic version of me. I can no longer hide, suppress the truth, people please and ignore the things I would rather bury than confront head on. Its time to be me and while I am incredibly grateful for this new season of me; there’s a part of me that will grieve that old version of me- and I must acknowledge her because I would not be trying to become better if it wasn’t for the woman I was!