Psalm 147:3, “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds

I met my first love in high school and its taken me years to admit that. But he made an impression so strong, I have been processing this experience for years. And most recently, yesterday. I am not one to share much of my love life or the lack thereof in public. So to say writing this feels like a painful exercise, is an understatement. But writing these blogs have been nothing short of me being vulnerable with the world so why not?

A 2000’s Era Crush

The year was 2006 and I was a freshman in high school. I was attending a new school; a small catholic high school in Miami called Archbishop Curley Notre Dame or ACND. It was a school nestled in the Lil’ Haiti community which naturally had a lot of Haitians but also a melting pot of immigrant kids from the Caribbean. I can’t remember if it was the first day of school or close to it. But as I sat in my homeroom, with a class full of students I didn’t know, I sat silent just observing the room. I wasn’t meeting people or making friends just yet cause I was shy back then. One of the early days of that school year, I heard a group of students making fun of this boy for liking someone. That someone turned out to be me. And I didn’t say a thing because I didn’t know this person & didn’t have a clue what to do with a gy who liked me back then. If you’ve ready post, The Grief of Being Single , then you know my very interesting upbringing about dating and guys in general. As the year progressed, I remember a teacher asked me to bring something to another class across the hall. As I peered in the class, I saw a boy who excitedly got up to open the door and tripped in the midst of it. He then told me in class he liked me but did I do anything about it? No, I remember these moments with such clarity but to be honest I cannot remember my response?!! Like did I even respond? All I know was freshman year, I knew of him but did not give him the time of day. Around my sophomore year, something changed. We had different lunch periods. He would go the first hour and I would go the next. Everyday he would come up to me at my locker and chat with me before I was headed to lunch. At first, it just felt like nothing but after time, I started to really like this guy. He was funny, tall and cute and those locker meet-ups made me smile!It takes me a while to fall for someone. But that consistent effort on his part really changed the way I felt about him. He was the first guy whose did that. We flirted most of the year and nothing came off it really. I was not the girl to share how I felt even though I really liked him. I was waiting for him to make the first move. And to be honest he did make moves. A lot of them but I didn’t get it. Again, reference week 7 to understand how severely inept I was at the whole guy thing. Truly, I was so naive!😩

He gave me his number the summer before my junior year. It was a landline( wild to say) and he warned me not to call too much cause his Haitian mama could pick up lol! So that scared me and I never called him. I am so dramatic lol. But we did chat on Myspace throughout the summer. By the time I got the courage to tell him how I felt, he was shocked and said he was dating someone else! That was my worse nightmare at the time; telling someone you liked them and getting rejected! Whew that was tough for teenage me. As I started my junior year, my friend told me he broke up with his summer fling and he was open for the taking. This time he got my number and we texted a bit. Now we had the same lunch hour so we would just talk and flirt. One thing I remember was a friend seeing us and them, he said just date already! And I wanted to but I wanted him to do make the decision instead of me just saying it. There were so many little moments from him letting me listen to his iPod as I ran a few miles on the track as he practiced, bus rides together and just conversations. I only wish I was as bold as I am today. One day, I did get the courage to chat with him about wanting more. That convo ended in nothing. I decided I was over the flirting that would lead to nowhere, so I stopped talking to him for a few months around the fall of 2008. During that time, around November it was this birthday. So on his birthday I said happy birthday to him but returned to not talking to him for the rest of the year!

Fast forward January 2009, he comes up to me and says can we be friends again. So I assume that’s maybe leading to more. But that’s not exactly what happened. He ended up talking to a girl I knew who was dating someone else. It was hard to see him now go to her locker. It was hard to see him be with her and not me. What was worse, was that she had a boyfriend outside of our school yet still dating him.To make matters worse, I knew her boyfriend pretty well. It was just an overall sucky situation. I still liked him dearly and just stopped talking to him again. One day, during this stint of not talking to him, I was chatting with another guy who liked me. And he chimes in, and says to the guy, “For 2 years I dated her and no sex.” I stared at him in disbelief because we never officially dated. To add insult to injury, I wondered was that why he was dating her? Long story short, I just didn’t talk to him again.

Where Was God in All This?

Now it was Sunday, March 22nd, 2009, the day before my birthday, 16 years ago to the date. Even though we weren’t talking, I assumed he would say happy birthday to me. I still liked him and wanted to look amazing. Now this was not my man but I was still looking forward to seeing him. Now, why I cared about this man at all after this- I do not know. I was really looking forward to it because I knew he would chat with me to celebrate my birthday. And then I get a call that changed my life. My cousin said, I should tell you in person but Malachie passed away. As I heard the news, I remember I was at home as my mom was doing a boxed perm. I sat there in disbelief. It was a Sunday and the next day, Monday March 23rd would be my birthday. As his death was announced the next day, it made a big impact on our school. Malachie was a football captain and very well-known in the school. They even allowed all the students to mourn by going to the football field and just walk and grieve. I wept and It was my worse birthday by far.

I was very mad at God. I had a lot of crushes growing up but this one was different. I thought of him constantly and so wanted it to happen so bad despite how much it wasn’t happening. It should have been clear, this is not going to work. One day, I heard God say,” Stop idolizing him.” Now, I don’ take it lightly to say I heard God say anything. Every time, I feel God is speaking, its always very distinct and I can remember the time and place I was when I heard him say something. On top of that, I test all things to see if it was God for real but I digress.At the time,I heard God say this as I was walking to my cousins house after getting off the bus. I remember hearing that and then just ignoring it. I just didn’t care. In high school, I knew a lot about God but wasn’t following his leading. When he died, I was reminded of what God told me. I blamed God because it felt personal. Like did he die because I was idolizing him? Did it have to be the day before my birthday? Now looking back, I know how silly that thinking was. I was young and very much about me and my world instead of realizing this man didn’t die because of something I did. This wasn’t a personal vendetta or punishment from God. Unfortunately, it was just life. But me liking him mixed with his passing made it a traumatic event for me. It was the first death I experienced with someone close to my age that I deeply cared about after my grandfathers passing. The first death to make me think about the grand scheme of life. I stopped talking to him 2-3 weeks before his passing. I could no longer resolve issues with him. As a friend or otherwise. I often thought, of we weren’t together now maybe the future- but what future. I think that was the hardest thing to mourn, there would be no future with him in it. That unrequited love thing was real and could never be. And as I write I feel silly, talking about a person who made an impact on my life 16 years ago today. But this was heartbreaking to me. I remember coming back from his funeral and weeping. My mom looked at me and said- so you liked him? And she was right. Malachie wasn’t this perfect guy but there were things that he did that made me feel so loved.

How This Affected My Heart

I spent the rest of my high school saying I would hold off dating or whatever until college. But as much as I don’t like to admit it. I didn’t trust God. After he passed, a friend randomly asked me about getting married and a future husband. And I said something that even I was shocked to came out of my mouth, I said something to the effect that, “ I feel like God is going to kill my husband or take him away.” I was deeply hurt and felt like God was playing a cruel joke with me. It all felt personal and I didn’t realize how much I needed to grieve this guy. Losing a friend is one thing, but losing someone you loved is brutal. I never told people I loved him cause I was 16, what does a 16 year old know about that? But it was the closest thing for me. I went to college and was a bit jaded about God and relationships for a long time. I didn’t realize I had harbored a lot of deep anger with God about this. Logically, I knew this was life. But deep down, I was mad at God and didn’t ever want to feel that kind of pain. This affected me in my relationships because I was scared to open myself to someone and afraid of losing them. That question is it better to love and loss than to never love . I used to always say its better to love and lost than never love. But functionally, my heart lived as if it believed it was better not to love at all.

I felt I needed to write this story less for you reading, if anyone is still reading this far, more for my healing. its often the things that happen in adolescence that affect us the most. It’s hard to share this story for multiple reason. I feel insecure about loving someone who wasn’t ever my person. I am kinda embarrassed it took me so long to admit the amount of grief I have carried with this high school crush. Hard to accept, I closed my heart off from love in a lot of ways I only discovered in the last few years. I fell in love again in 2021. I didn’t expect it and he wasn’t the one; but to experience love meant my heart was healed in a way it hadn’t been in a long time.That love came after I had done a lot of work processing my past traumas and therapy. I wasn’t thinking of this experience, but it did come to mind a lot.

Yesterday, I took sometime to process. I didn’t have a topic but just randomly let the words flow. And out came a realization that this wound that occurred when I was in high school needed to be resolved. There are many parts of this story I didn’t share but the one that is stuck with me is this. There was a moment, where Malachie and I rode the bus together. as I was approaching my stop he asked me to go to his place with him. Now, I was a good immigrant child and I said no. but after his death there are so many time Is wish I did.When he said ” I dated her for 2 years and no sex.” That stuck with me. Would giving my body away kept him? And while that’s crazy to say it has crossed my mind a million times over the years. That would not keep him and honestly the pain would be worse. But all the what if’s were the hardest to grieve through.

Grief is a weird thing. its not just grieving past memories but a future that no longer has the possibility of them in it. As I write, I grieve all the times I held onto this ‘love” as if it was the greatest thing. As if love comes unrequited. I was 17 years old and am almost double that age tomorrow. And if I could go back and tell myself one thing it would be to grieve & let go. I would have let go sooner. Let go of thinking God is not for me when it comes to relationships because he died. Let go of the hurt it was to lose someone so young. Grieve all the possibilities of us being together one day after college or something. I would let my heart heal and address those wounds earlier. I feel the rawness of my heart as I write this. After his passing, one of the ways I grieved was writing him a song that I performed in front of the whole school. It wasn’t great but it was heartfelt. Something about grief, brings out a courage we never knew we had. Partly forced by circumstance, but grief does teach us. Over the past 5-6 years, its been journaling and working through the realization that I can’t heal something I won’t speak on. Writing is one thing, sharing it with those you love another. I see pattern with me in grief, it starts with being honest with myself (journaling), sharing with others and then once I own my story, I can share with the world. Or at least my small part of the world! Grief has been a good teacher, and if it has taught me anything it’s that grief is not meant to be trapped inside you. It’s not meant to be held, but released. Sometimes, grief’s lesson are meant not just for you but others.

I am not sure how to end this, so much of this feel like a work in process. But for now, I am just glad to release this. And Thank god for revealing my wounds and binding them up! RIP Malachie, your life has taught me a lot.