Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words…

There was popular phrase as kids we would say in the 90s, ” sticks and stone may break my bones but words would never hurt me.” Arguably the greatest lie ever. Broken bones heal, and they are easier to distinguish if broken with an X-ray. But words become beliefs, and how do you examine those? Words go down deep and can either go down sweet to the soul or a dagger to it. And the thing about words is that it goes where no thing can go- your soul. These words turn into talk tracks or belief patterns if not interrupted with truth. Too often words go down in us and mark us and we never know it. It’s often as an adult as we process life that we find that one word said by someone as a kid has deeply marked our life. We can all relate to this phenomenon. So why does it feel so daunting for me to admit. I truly realized I was bullied in middle school,when I went to college and a girl who I used to attend middle school with reached out to me. We were attending the same university at the time. She reached out to apologize for bullying me in middle school. I was shocked for 2 reasons. One, how often do you get someone who used to bully you to apologize? I was impressed by her bravery to do so. Secondly, the realization hit like a ton of bricks, I truly was bullied.

Normalizing Harsh Words

Now before you ask and say how was that a realization, it truly was. In my mind when I look back on middle school. I wasn’t treated the kindest, even by the people I would call my closest friends. I was made fun of for what I wore on dress down days ( I wore uniform for my private school). I was put down for reasons I have no idea of really. And I was constantly put in weird and uncomfortable situations. I was never physically bullied thankfully but the words went deep. And I think her apology made it real for me. How I was treated was not kind. The realization I had this week was that I havenormalized mean words because I was so used to people being mean to me. I had a low bar, and a high tolerance for bad behavior because I was so used to enduring it. I had learned to cope with it. My drug of choice to cope was people pleasing and still is. I am currently working on healing this. People pleasing kills. And I mean that with my whole chest because we talk about people pleasing so light. People pleasing kills because it robs you of being you.To try and make others happy the expense of you. For me that would look like trying to be nice and make people feel better as I was getting hurt. I would push my own feelings down and become hyper aware of the emotions and feelings of others. And I would become detached from my own. I was focused more on trying to manage the peace around me than the piece that I needed inside of me. Looking back then and now, I think it’s easier to try and manage the feelings of others than my own. It’s hard to wake up to the reality of the truth. The truth that the many words I have swallowed from others, truly weren’t kind and need to be removed from my belief system, which takes time.

How Words have Affected Me?

Over the years, this has affected me because I have made friends with people that I should have never been friends with. I had been friends with people who are incredible unkind and stayed in relationships with people despite the mean words they would say. And I think as I am navigating all this in my 30s, I find it hard to admit that. I think its also why I am super sensitive in the way I tell people something. I overthink cause I don’t want people to get hurt which sounds good. But to be honest, it hinders me from telling the truth. Telling the truth kindly is always good. but no matter how kind you say something, truth can hurt. For example, breaking up with someone may not feel good but stringing them along when you know your feelings have change is much more harmful.

I grieve how long it took me to become aware of how I harshly I was treated as I kid. I grieve that it still affects me. I grieve that it has taken me into my 30’s to realize not all words are meant to be accepted and heard. I love the latter half of the verse above. Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love its fruit will eat of it. This means not all the fruit needs to be eaten. if you love the words people says and it produces life in you, eat the fruit of there words. But if these word produce death, do not eat its fruit. This seems so simple, but how often are we aware of the words we are ingesting from others and even the words we speak to ourselves? Anytime, I heard this passage, I always read it as words are powerful and can hurt you. But today I realize that part of the verse is teaching us we have a choice. A choice to examine the fruit of the words people says to us and especially the words we say to ourselves. We do not have to just believe something. And while we all grew up with some false beliefs, it’s never too late to say I am no longer going to “love” this fruit. I am no longer going to accept these words. I am no longer going to believe what they said of me. It will take work to uncover all the bad fruit you have believed and accepted. But the truth is if I asked you what lie have you believed? I think we all could come up with something. The answer to that question is the first step to addressing a lie. Becoming aware of the lies we believe is the first step. Addressing that lie and changing your mind about it, that takes time. its the lies we are unaware of that are the most dangerous and insidious because we can’t recognize the damage it has caused us. We can’t see how we have adapted our lives to it and ay be operating in ways that do not benefit us.

Choose Life

I realize as I write that I often speak in 3rd person as If writing to teach you. But in reality, I need to instruct myself. It’s only as I have been writing these grief letters, I have realized how much work I need to do in myself. I often discover the truth I need to know as I write. My hope is that as I write it sparks something in you too. We have the power to choose; to choose to believe words of life and not words of death. My prayer & hope for myself is to address the lies I believed from the words people have said and choose life. I hope today you choose life and eat of it s fruit!