Proverbs 18:24 “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

CAN I BE HONEST?

I ask this because it feels like it gives me the liberty to write freely. I am keenly aware of the will I have, but I still struggle to use it. I struggle to share my struggle because its not polished behind clean lines of perfection. But if you met me, oh how I’d make you believe in that perfection. I don’t feel as strong and confident as I sound. When I come home, I sit with this grief in my belly. It pulls me to come sit down. Grief over a life I feel so often out of control of; a life I want to run from. I think if others watched me they’d assume differently but I wonder if everyone knows what I hide. Under so many layers of people pleasing lies the real me. The hurt me, the frustrated me, the lost me and the questioning me. I wonder if they know what drives me to be so attentive to their needs is my own. I don’t trust people and how can I be if I lie so often. I would never call myself a liar. Yet, how often do I lie to my friends in silence and in coiffed responses placating their feelings. Is that honest? Is it true to pretend nothing hurts me. That is not to be human.

WHAT’S HURTING ME?

I write because I am grieved and I can’t seem to move on from the hurt that is hurting me. I can’t help but look back to “better days”. But better days always look better backwards. I still feel a thump inside but whens the last time I cried aloud, in front of a friend. An ugly cry that doesn’t sound right and you can feel the pain leaving your body. What is friend? and I struggle as I have lost friends most recently 2-3. feeling I must work to make sure my relationships work; feeling one sided friendships. I can listen and encourage and the whole conversation is about the other person. As I sat there, I felt God show me something. That friend was not there to help. Or maybe they couldn’t help me. Maybe the problem is wanting so desperately what people can’t give. But if the basis of my friendships have been being needed, then this should come as no surprise. I never realized having to be “needed” in friendship wasn’t enough. It lacks reciprocity, a basic need in true friendship. I am tired of being that friend that only sees the other person. Always uplifting, upholding, uprooting my life to fit you. I am sad because once convictions and boundaries were put up those friendships came tumbling down. I thought I wanted these friendships so badly. In reality, I settled for friends just to avoid being on my own. Because to be on my own I would have to feel the disappointment of some of the friends I choose. And honestly I would have to walk alone. Let go and become me. Whoever I am to be.

I AM TIRED OF HIDING

Hiding what I like and dislike, stuffing my hurt to make others feel welcome while simultaneously abandoning me. And it hurts to write because it tells me something must be done. That much of my grief has been a result of my poor choices. ME being afraid to be ME. Such a simple sentence but those 5 words that have haunted me. Being myself feels foreign. I am not sure what that looks like. I don’t feel consistent in each friend group. I constantly feel each friend group will call my bluff. I often ask myself what this person wants from me. Then, sadly, I give it to them. I act as if I am giving from a full cup, but I am actually offering from a leaky bucket. Hoping by giving from my own broken cistern somehow I’d be full. And without fail, I am surprised with the outcome.

How does being me heal me? And what does that mean or look like? I have felt at the cusp of change for many seasons. Still, I look over the edge with trepidation and mistrust. I even feel a pull to go backwards. But what would I go back to? There is nothing back there for me. When I look through the barrel of life ahead, I am afraid of more of the same. But am I more of afraid of the unknown and the different?

SOME REFLECTIONS

I wrote the above blog at the end of last year. It was a time of reflection after losing some close friends. This experience bought on a lot of questions about how I choose friends. It hurts to look at the ways I had falsely shown up in friendships or honesty hadn’t at all. I realize that there are many things in my life that I have chosen subconsciously. As I have been discovering more of who I am, I am realizing not everyone is for me. And vice versa, I am not for everyone. I think after reflecting on some past friendships I have learned that knowing who I am is important. It dictates how I see myself and the friends I choose. It matters who in my life comes with me as they will either push me toward God’s will or not. They will help me or hurt me. I read a quote that stood out to me, that said we fear more the becoming than the letting go of the past. As I step into more of Who I am supposed to me, it may require not only a loss of the old self but even friends. But when things are lost, it is only to make space for what’s to come. So while I grieve lost friendships, I am thankful for the ones that stayed and the ones my heart will one day embrace.