Romans 7:21-23 So I find it to be a law, that whenI want to do right, evil lies close at hand.For I delight int he law of God in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

When I first got saved and started following God, I would weep a lot. I would weep because I felt like I understood things I hadn’t. I would weep because my eyes were open about life from the biblical perspective. But one of the most surprising reasons I wept was because I missed God. I long to see him as if I longed to see my best friend who lived in another state. I longed for heaven because I longed to see God. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come.” This longing was definitely something new to experience. I would weep because I felt this deep ache to see God face to face. I always found this strange because I would often say how could I love someone I’ve never seen. Romans does a good job of describing Gods love being poured into our hearts. Romans 5:5 says, ..” And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” I love the book of Romans and I think its is one of the most comprehensive books that speaks to the foundations of our faith! But I digress.

The book of Romans also share about this internal struggle in a person once they know God between the flesh and the Spirit. Even though I become a new creation, I still have an opposing force in me that wants to follow my own will. Romans 7 puts this struggle perfectly into words:

Romans 7:21-23 So I find it to be a law, that whenI want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight int he law of God in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

So What Am I Saying?

I have often struggled with being a Christian and still wanting my own desire and my own will. Over the years, I have realized walking with God is hard. he says to pick up your cross and deny myself! He asks me to love my enemies. He asks me to not allow any other god before him. And sometimes, I don’t want to do that. Sometimes I question why am I following God if it is so difficult? I ask myself why do I follow him.This past week, I had a conversation with God and I said why do I still follow him? And without hesitation, My Spirit responded as if speaking to God,” You are the center of my being.” And I wept.

Its not so much that I said that but the Spirit of the Living God dwells in me. He spoke. My Spirit has been changed. Its been made alive and its only been made alive by Christ. I speak a lot on this blog about my faith because it truly is everything. I struggle and wonder if I am doing this christian thing right all the time. But that still small voice remains. My heart despite walking even in the hard things of life still longs for God. And that is the miracle in itself. That my heart longs for God. It is not without much struggle but even when I doubt He still remains true. Despite every valley and struggle, He is with me. And even though I sometimes struggle with surrendering to God daily, I still long for his domain.

I wrote a poem about this struggle within me. It’s called Solace and I think it encapsulates my own struggle between flesh and Spirit. My own Wrestle with my old self and new being. I share this because all christians question and struggle. Not many of us talk about the hard; the sometimes not wanting to obey or just wanting to go another way. But Someone always draws me back & I believe that is the Holy Spirit.

Solace

I have longed for solace like wind blowing up a windowpane

Like waves crashing until the sand rolls back

Like plants panting for the carbon monoxide to build its own breath

My souls’ been panting for this breath

My Spirit beckons me to depth

Causes chills to revert across my body

Where Spiritual and physical link up like friends

Something inside calls to me

Stops me in my tracks

Its presence so present

I feel it

Intimately knowing my life Is not meant to be so focused on the material things’

On the societal goals that have oh so often defined the success of me

No-God beckons me to see success as living in this mystery

Finding comfort in the unknown paths of victory His will

Like constant no’s leading to the biggest yes and no body knowing it except HE

Feeling other worldly stuck between 2 paradigms of life pulling at the seams

These new wine skins are far superior to the previous ones

But still uncomfortable as only growth can be

I see me but I also see them living, laughing, enjoying and I know while at times I long to be without restraint, I long for God’s domain

Where kingdom rules and democracy crashes

I am so sick of being passive

It’s tragic that to see self and instantly regret its path it challenges me

reminds me I am not from here that

I’m Alien & foreign

These tears roll down my face

the water releasing its the weight

I am different and I have fought not to be

Assimilation a dream I cannot realize

If I desire to be me (free)

I write these lines but

Will anyone understand it?

These musings that bubble up like water flowing from my soul

Like truths that must be told

I write and know they must be known

So, I cannot be the only soul

For whom do I write these diatribes that hide inside me waiting to let go

So that the freedom inside its truth is known

I see how intentionally he is leading me

And yet, I don’t want to be free

I want to crawl back inside and act as if life is lived inside the cave in me

But once you’ve seen the light you cannot deny its sight

And everything that it isn’t 

It frightens me, how being me seems to be unraveling

How accepting who I am releases everything I thought I was

To accept the me I never knew I was or could be

To live in this tension begs the question

Who is me?

And better yet who are Thee?

That I should lose my life for the one I cannot see

To gain a life worth saving just so our eyes meet

What pearl of price can be worth my life?

Like Pearl of the Antilles

Can love like this reside inside me

Like ancient texts written in the scriptures

No longer written on tablets of stone

But on the tablets of human hearts :

For love is as strong as death

And jealousy as fierce as the grave