Malachie 3:14, ” You have said , ” It is vain to serve God. What is the profit of our keeping his charge or of walking in mourning before the Lord of Hosts?”

This week, I want share a rather honest journal entry of my grief. To share about one of my biggest grievances- being single. I wrestle so much with this topic and feel so often behind. In this journal entry -I wrestle with God and share honestly how its felt being single. I share to show you how this journal led me to eventually writing this blog and me realizing my grief if not dealt with could lead me away from the Lord that I love. So I share portions of this journal entry to both invite you into my own journey. But I also hope you feel less alone. Your grief may not be the same as mine but maybe you can relate to how grief can make you feel. In the end , I hope it helps you to start processing your grief and begin your journey to healing

A portion of my journal entry from May 5th 2024

The Lord said, What’s the root of your denial of me?

Grief

I followed God and thought it was genuinely sought after and went after with my whole heart. I thought God would give me the desire of my heart- a husband

But maybe that desire was too big

I have grown hurt and frustrated because it seems those blessed were the married ones, those seen ones

But what about us, serving God too without a daily partner. I have had friends, but its not the same!

I have felt aches and pains because I have loved you Lord? So how could you ignore this part of me? I know you see. I didn’t even date till I was 26; when I was fed up of asking the same questions every year.

I thought my heart pure. Did I wait? God who waited longer?Why do I feel like the older brother? ( see Luke 15:11-32 for reference)

it was wrong to look at the brother who came back after squandering his cash but I felt like the one faithfully following you. NO fattened calf for me? But I had YOU?

I had you. it just felt like you gave them a ring, a spouse, – you richly, lavishly blessed them and me- well I didn’t see. Instead I said what’s the use of following God. What is my gain? A terrible thing, but God I am hurt.

…

God I have been distant because I am hurt. Because my heart grieves my single years in my 20s. I was so committed to you Lord and now I have become jaded. I loved you and I feel less than because it feels like how can I struggle with not getting a husband. Doesn’t that mean I love you less and then that makes me so sad. Then I think did I love you at all? or was following you and unexpected journey.

God I see this fast has helped me. You said to walk with you to get better. To heal, can you help me trust you again. I don’t know how but I want to. I don’t understand how to do this but I was not made to know everything. You can help me; you were a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I know you can help me because you can empathize with me. help me find joy in the struggle and release the sadness and move forward.I don’t know how but Lord please help me. I have barely found joy to reel about my basement- that’s a joyous thing Lord. It truly is!

——— end of journal entry

I wept re-reading that last paragraph because it was real. And me trying to find the good in all of it. My last entry, I wrote about good grief. But good grief doesn’t always feel good. But what I loved about rewriting this entry, was that it healed something in me to see me still reaching out. Despite my struggle, I see me reaching out to God in hope. And that’s the miracle for me. That hope will remain, because HOPE springs high. Hope remains!

Romans 5:5

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our heart with his love.“

1 Corinthians 13:13

So now these thee remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.