Habakkuk 2:3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.

Today’s Grief letter is another spoken word I wrote. One birthed out of what seems like a vision of God preparing me to meet my future spouse. I do not fully remember why I wrote this but I think like other poems it just came out. I wrote this February 20, 2019, a little over 6 years ago. This poem feels to me where grief and hope meet. I wrestle with the grief of yesterday and the hope of another season. Its a place I long to be, yet a place I am scared of never being. Sometimes I fear sharing posts like these because, I don’t want it to seem that marriage is all I want or my everything

But I would be lying that I haven’t longed for it. I feel even admitting that in today’s culture makes me feel weak. But honestly, I don’t care. Too long I’ve denied this desire or tried to shut it down. This time I’m just going to embrace my desire for it. Whenever I read this poem, I search for the hope, the truth of these words. To remember that it will come to past at its appointed time like Habakuk 2:3. Last year around April, I felt God lead me to this verse, I wasn’t sure why. But as I write it feels appropriate for this desire and this poem.

A Season of Preparation

You look  beautiful “ I hear you say

Beautifully broken I  reply in wait

It’s taken me awhile to agree with Him

That I’m beautiful and worth the wait

Many years I’ve spent wondering if this day would ever come

And here I am as I stand before my ABBA 

As he prepares me for the day, that I meet the man he planned for me

My eyes shy and cast down low 

Still fighting my hopeful dismay

Shy and inquisitive not naturally as I am

But when it comes to love it has been hard to not feel a twinge of shamed 

Frustration and bitter anger has been 

My past time for long while 

Until this year ABBA said 

not anymore beloved 

It’s time for you to let your heart love and hope in me again

So today he prepares me 

Reassuring words

You are beautiful , loved and whole

Don’t be afraid I will be with you

But I rather stay here – something terrifies me about the preparation today

I think it’s coming soon

He’s asking me to trust him 

In preparation today

But I’m struggling with a trembling heart

And fearful mind

And although no words were spoken 

He heard my thoughts so plainly

As if I’ve spoken them today 

It will hurt 

You will hurt me

I don’t trust you

Please don’t cause me pain

Eyes cast down with shame 

For before stands my savior

How can I question his good intentions 

Or his perfect love?

And then looks into my eyes as tears spill down his cheeks

“ I have loved you with an everlasting love

And I know you fear what you cannot see

But believe me beloved , have faith in me

You shall see the goodness I have planned for you this day. But you’ve gotta trust me , let go and let me take control- I promise I am working always for your good”

And as with these words spoken I can hear the words said in between. How he knows my sorrow well and has walked them with me. So with eyes brimming full of tears I take his hand in mind , and bow before him in submission His Hand upon my head

He gets down before me  and whispers in my ear and I hear the smile across his face as he joyfully states

“ I love you and can’t wait for you to see all the good things I have planned for you”