Luke 16:10 ” One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, one who is dishonest in a very little also dishonest in much.”

The original word for hypocrisy came from the greek word “hypokrites” which means an actor or stage player. The actual greek word for hypocrite was actually made up of two words; these 2 words translate literally to “an interpreter from underneath.” This translation is accurate, because large masks were worn by actors to portray their character. So literally someone was underneath interpreting how that character would act. Similar to how I have interpreted how I should be. So why all this background about hypocrisy?

I am a hypocrite

Because I am a hypocrite. I have been hiding behind old habits and things that I would say make me, me. I have felt I had to “play the part” of someone I am not. Where I wanted to be honest, I didn’t tell the truth. Where I wanted to dissent or disagree, I capitulated. Where I wanted to be a woman of integrity , I often abandoned respect for myself and didn’t commit to the things I said I would. everything from going to the gym, to investing in my gifts and talents to just committing to personal growth. In this I hope you don’t get the impression that I don’t love myself. Oh the contrary, I realized how much I have not loved myself by not letting go of the things holding me back. The last post I wrote was discovering who I am. My identity and all God has call me to be requires me to level up. An invitation to a journey of becoming ME. In light of that, this last week, I feel God has revealed a lot fo my ways that are not aligned with who he has called me to be. And it its honestly been har dot face myself. Some fo the things I have learned about myself is that I often abandon things that I want like dating, investing in vocal lesson, consistently going to the gym and eating healthy, etc. For example, I was very consistent going to the gym 3-4x per week early last year. This year I wanted to get more consistent- I have the walking pad for cards, I have the at home weights and I know the basic exercises to do. SO why have I not done them. I woke up one morning with this question on my mind, If every day I am consistently choosing to not work out like I desire, then I am avoiding it. Why am I avoiding something as simple as exercise that I could do for free at the comfort of my own home. This same habit of not committing to things or going halfway has been something I want to change. I want to be a woman of my word. And I realize how this does not help me grow in trust with myself. In fact, I wonder if the reason I can’t trust myself is because of not fulfilling my own word to myself.

Our Deepest FEar

I think for me it has become so normal for me to not follow up on my word. To start many things and no finish them. To give myself a little to much slack. For the last couple weeks, I have written about being afraid to be myself. And I think part of that, is not wanting to move forward to becoming myself. I need to let go of habits that for the longest time have held me back. I need to grow in discipline and in trust with myself. And the start with the little things. It starts with committing to myself- committing to my own health journey, investing in my talent and dreams like singing & real estate. It means being a better steward of the things I have. for a long time, I think I have been afraid of becoming the new version of me. I was scared of letting the old habits because they comforted me. There is a poem by Marianne Willaimson that expresses this sentiment so perfectly,”

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.”

I realize I am more scared of the the light within. Of all I can be. Of the unknown But I believe God is calling me to trust Him. I feel called to be diligent with the little, so I can learn to be faithful when given much! But first, I need to take care of the things I know to do and move forward in faith. Processing my grief through these letters has shined a light on the areas of my life that I haven’t wanted to deal with. its given me time to process grief and see ” the man in the mirror.” And some things need changing. I didn’t feel writing about this and anything to do with grief. However, I think inside of grief its hard to grow. you have to process, feel and let yourself heal.For me, grief revealed somethings I have been ignoring and for that I am grateful!

The turning point

This week marks the 26th week of the year- the halfway point of the year. This is then the 26th journal entry and it marks a turning point! This week I am declaring as my turning point. I am nowhere near perfect, but the Bible say we can repent. Repentance literally means to change one’s mind; to change one’s mind for the better or think differently. I want to think differently about the way I do things. I want to be consistent for myself. I want to prove if only to myself I can do the things I say. Right now, I am not doing that. Moving forward, I am committing to making a plan towards growth. Towards committing to all the goals I know I need to make. for the love of me, I want to take care of me. And even more so, I feel I need to be a better steward of me and every gift God himself has given me. I have felt this tug every-time I don’t do the things I am called to do. Every time I live out of alignment from how I God created me to be. Simple things,but If I could be disciplined in the little, I would be faithful with the much

Accountability

so I write for the sake of accountability. I write because I have seen who I can be but have allowed fear to keep me from going after the best version of me because it would cost me. It would cost me sacrificing my time, saying no to things and people and having better boundaries. a few things I want to change my mindset on this year are the following

1. Money,
2. Health (gym & fitness),
3. Buying/ investing in a new property whether via partnership model or all me
4. Intentionally spending time with God more- creating rhythms for fasting, studying and reading Gods word and growing in other biblical disciplines

For now, I won’t write the details and steps to reach it. But I write so that by the end of my last grief letter of 2025. I will expound on my plans & how I have changed my mind in the last 6 months of the year for the better. To small changes that lead to a great life!