Proverbs 13: 12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life

Week 7 of these grief letters, I wrote about singleness. In that blog, I go in depth how my background and cultural context affected my view of dating. That is a good article to read to understand a bit of the context of this blog. I have never been in a relationship; never a girlfriend. And I have been so embarrassed of that fact. This is not at all the life i desired for myself. I heard a influencer use the word “perpetually single.” And that kind of best describes how I have felt over the years. I first started dating, 2 weeks before my 26th birthday. I was very behind (click here to read the above mentioned blog for context). So in short I started dating 7 years ago. In those 7 years, I had moved to 3 different states CO>FL>MI. On top of trying to figure out dating, I’m also a christian who wants to wait till marriage which eliminates quite a bit of people. These are a few of the factors of why I think I am single. Part of me has been so discouraged because my late start in life did me no favors. And how do you answer the question- when was your last relationship?

Dating to no avail

The first thing that got me started dating was a book called ” How to Get a Date Worth Keeping” written BY Dr. Henry Cloud who is also a believer, psychologist and speaker! He defines dating as an opportunity to learn about you and others. Dating is an end of itself. Needless to say, the book took the pressure off of having to know if this person was someone I wanted to marry off the batt. It made dating a more enjoyable experience. It also opened me up to people I would usually just say no to because i didn’t know their faith background yet. My dating experience has been a string of 1st to 3rd/4th dates. Always ending by the 4th date by my choice mainly because they didn’t love Jesus. I have dated a lot of non- christians. The reason I dated majority of non-christian’s is because they were available. They were there and are en masse. And early in my dating journey I was just trying to learn to date. While others did this in high school, I was just getting my feet wet in something I should have been well versed in . But I will admit, I got comfortable dating non-christians because it was easy to end. Not a good habit I know. but i struggled with believing God for a christian. My faith was lacking,so superficially dating someone for a short time was easier than dating no one for a long time. This past February, I randomly met a christian guy in the wild y’all! I met a christian thats lives that life for real. This was huge for me cause I took a long pause from dating since Feb. 2023! I was happy and excited; and while it didn’t end in a relationship, I did end up hopeful. That made me think, maybe it’s time to put myself out there again.

Dating Again?

Now as I started to date again this year I quickly, I realized why I stopped dating in the first place. The lack of christian men to date. I do not meet christian men much. Most of them in church are married or super young! Truthfully, I know they exist but where? And I am genuinely asking. This summer again, there are a million non- christian men willing to date me. And I get discouraged because even though I feel I should be dating. Who do I date who? And grief settles in. Because how often have I hoped and it was deferred. How do I find strength to hope still? Being 33 and single with no end in sight has been quite the challenge for me. I have tried just suppress the feelings of disappointment and frustration but it keeps seeping out. It seeps out in tears, in frustration, in finding ways to suppress the real sadness I feel, and in hiding the activity of busyness to avoid the silence waiting to engulf me. In the 7 years I have been dating, I have moved 3 states. I have also quit dating for long periods of time because I am just discouraged or scarred. I had a day off this week and went to one of my favorite museum in the city. As I walked the museum, I was multitasking and responding to a friend’s message about dating. And after that message ,which was meant to be encouraging, tears started to pour from the corner of my eye. I felt sad again. Sad because what was the point of dating if it had all ended the same- with me still single? What was the point if I never met a christian to even date in the first place? What was the point when even after I met a christian, nothing happened? I feel a pull to move forward in hope but a familiar grief reminds me nothing has happened before why now? And I then fight to make a plan to ‘endure‘ singleness for the next 2 years. I wish this was a joke but its true. I’d rather plan for failure than hope for the future?

Disappointment with God

Here’s the thing. I have a full life. I have good friends and community! I have a great job and I am finally moving forward on some dreams I have had for a long time! I see God’s hand and favor in my life constantly. I see his answered prayers that I am currently living in and I sense his desire to comfort me especially with Psalm 5:2. a verse he gave me this week. I feel God say ” Trust Me” and all I want to do is say “Trust you for what” and what do you mean by trust. Part of my frustration is I feel like I have done all the right things but it doesn’t happen. Why won’t God provide this one thing? I have a history of a God who answers prayers too! And even I asked God If I am meant to be single just tell me so I can prepare myself. But everytime I do, I feel like He nudges me and says you’ll be married. I do not want to hope anymore because it hurts. After processing some of this I realize I am a little salty with God. at the core hurt of my life is this- God called me to move to Colorado to help a church plant. I left my family and friends behind. I gave it all up to follow God. I stayed in Colorado for nearly 4 years- there i experienced, racism, church hurt, burnout and more. However, that experience showed me who I was. God gave me direction on my life and career and I felt amazing. I stayed there from 22-26. the latter half of my 20’s was spent in grad school and moving to a new state for a new job. When I turned 30 about a year after moving to Michigan, I felt the need to assess my life. I was entering a new decade. An new life and new opportunity. Yet all I could think of the last 3 years is the same question- Did I waste it? Did I waste my 20s? God I gave it to you but what came of it?This is what rings in my mind and I struggle to trust God with the next decade. I have degrees and friends- but what else do i have to show for my life? Why have I put marriage and kids so high? Why am I only valuable if I have a husband and kids. Why do these things plague me?

Challenging Grief

I do not have the answers. I feel like I know the right christian response. But honestly those answers aren’t taking away the sting, the real grief or sadness I feel. How do i challenge grief? Idk but I know I must replay the lies of the enemy with truth. SO If you’re reading my only ask is that you pray for me. Pray I deal with my disappointment with God, let go and trust Him.