John 10:27-28  My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

What’s A Bummer LAmb

I am not sure how I came across learning about the bummer lab. But while browsing on the internet, most likely in reference to a scripture, I learned a peculiar new phenomenon about lambs. This was of particular interest to me as my name Rachelle is the Hebrew word -ewe- which means lamb. Now, I have known the meaning of my name for a long time now. However, I have had conversations with God about why he named me that. Personally my dad named me but I have no idea why- he’s never really told me.

While reading this article online, I learned that a bummer lamb is a lamb rejected by its mother. This lamb will die if the shepherd doesn’t step in because the mother lamb won’t feed it or care for it at all. Now when this happens, the shepherd steps in and feed the little lamb. Allows it to lay on its chest and takes care of it until it can be put back into the flock. There is no visible distinction you can make between the bummer lamb and a regular lamb. With exception for when the shepherd calls the flock to him. Sheep may not be great at many things; but they are incredibly accurate at knowing the voice of their shepherd. So when the shepherd calls the sheep, the bummer lamb is usually the first to respond to the shepherds call because it was in close proximity to the shepherd in its early years.

Am I the bummer lamb?

I started weeping as I read this, as If my soul already understood its meaning and significance to me. In a previous post, I wrote a letter to my father. I grew up with my dad in the home but he was very passive and showed very little interest in me. Hearing this , after dealing with abandonment issues from my father hit me to my core. As a believer in Jesus, the fact the Lord is called the good shepherd is not lost one me; but it hit differently when I learned about the bummer lamb. WEEK 31, I wrote a letter to my father. An honest letter about my relationship with him and what I hoped we could have. I recently reached out to my dad and chatted with him in order to make some steps toward forgiveness. Mind you it had been years since we chatted. In doing so we started chatting via text. But our conversations bought up a lot of hurt and so I reduced my texting with him as of late.

When I was down in Florida to celebrate my moms birthday, I was supposed to meet with him. But with how, our conversations were going I didn’t reach out to schedule. But he did. So I told him a place and time, but he didn’t respond for a few hours and my abandonment wound got triggered. He did end up reaching out to confirm 30 mins before but I canceled last minute due to fear of him not showing up. So I planned to watch a movie alone. the following week, I messaged him about meeting next time I was in Florida. But the way he responded, really got to me. I wasn’t being honest. We were talking as if he had not abandoned me? As If he had not spoken to me in years and if not for me reaching out- he still wouldn’t? After if he was a fine with never calling me for birthdays or even holidays– yet now He was responding as if he was a perfect reflection of God the father. I could forgive my dad but if we were to establish relationship, I required honesty. So I texted him and confronted him with the truth. I asked questions like why did you abandoned me? Why Are you ignoring the pain you caused? DO you know how he responded?

He said read Isaiah 43:18 & 19. I’ll let you look that up. It was a way to spiritually bypass my pain while absolving him of anything he’s done wrong. I wanted it to be different. I even told him I forgive him but I wasn’t up for pretending about the past.He said he wanted no one to judge hims Ince God forgives. Well, enough said. I haven’t responded since.

INcredible pain, Incredibly seen

that message I learned about the bummer lamb was about a week before I got that response from my dad. When I first heard about the bummer lamb I wept. And I wept during the week while sharing it with a friend. I told her even if my father rejects me, I am worthy of him knowing he caused me pain. That confidence came from this understanding that though I was rejected by my father, God picked me up and held me close. God knew me before the beginning of time- even knew my name would mean lamb. And God stepped in as my good shepherd. I would often ask God, why I could hear him so clearly. I have had people ask me if I had seasons where I didn’t hear God and I never had. I have had hard seasons but God’S voice has never been completely silent. I always hear him or see him acting on my behalf. And that feels like his grace to me; his provision in the lack. Understanding a backstory about a bummer lamb, made me understand why God always felt close. In the Bible, it says he is a Father to the Fatherless( Psalm 68:5); verses like these would always make me cry. But to see God’s hand in action, through all this means a lot to me. Someone hearing the story of the bummer lamb, may not be as affected as I am. But it means a lot to me. It was God simultaneously answering my question about why I am named lamb and also showing me he would be my good shepherd to step in lieu of my fathers rejection. He knew me in my mother’s womb and despite the rejection, his love would take me in.

I am not sure how I would have felt hearing my dad’s rejection of my own pain if I didn’t know this story of the bummer lamb. Earlier that week, before my last talk with my dad, I was talking to God about healing my father wound. I assumed that meant a relationship with my father. and while it may not be that, I believe I am healed not because my father showed up or changed. But because I have a heavenly father who stepped in on my behalf- who rescued me. A Father who is a good shepherd. One who doesn’t forget about me. And I wish I could adequately explain how much that last sentence brings me comfort. For now, I will just end with a verse that sums up what God has been for me in lieu of my fathers absence in my life.

Isaiah 49:15-16

“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands ;your walls are continually before me.”