Philippians 2:13 “For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure”

Reflecting on this Grief Journey

In my first blog entry, I reference a line from a poem I wrote call Me. The line I reference was “”What if deep love lies in the loneliest of things? Only to be discovered where the hurt runs deep, steeped in grief, transformed by its release. Something breaking so that I could be free…” This line was God prophetically speaking to me. Since last April, God has been doing a work in me. Last April was the first time I did a 3 day water only fast. It rocked me. And it really changed the trajectory of my life in that it taught me- I was hungry for more than just food. It also launched me into fasting more. I have fasted more between April 2024 & now than I have in my entire life! And I now appreciate this spiritual discipline. Something truly don’t come out without fasting and praying. In May 2024, I heard God say share my pain and out of that this idea for grief letters was born. I had so much grief that I left unprocessed and I had no idea it was holding me back from all the life God had for me.

Finally understanding

This week, I was practicing this poem and those lines struck me again. 35 weeks in writing this blog, I now understand those words in a different way. I was looking for love in everything else- a potential relationship, people’s validation, success, etc. being alone and sitting with myself felt like a plague and the last thing I wanted to do. I felt behind in life and thought my loneliness couldn’t teach me anything or bring me anything good. But in writing these blogs, I’ve intentionally got to deal with my own self alone! I discovered the hurt that runs deeps- the childhood wounds of abandonment & neglect. As I ventured into the areas where my hurt ran deep, I did find great love. I found God’s great love for me. And it bought me back to my first love in a way, I haven’t been able to describe since I first became a christian. I was so steeped in grief, It crowded the love of God. The magnitude of it and the sufficient of it. As I have written and released these poems, I have been transformed into more of the woman I was meant to be. The woman God created me to be. And that has been my prayer. releasing these blogs has helped me process some much of the burden I was carrying and finally let it Go. The yoke is broken off of me and I no longer have to carry the baggage from the pain I was not dealing with in me. Now I am free. When I wrote this poem, It came out so naturally. I did not try to rhyme or write from any perspective. Wasn’t thinking even just writing. And whenever that happens, I know it’s the Holy Spirit speaking and not me. So today I PRAISE God for being God. For speaking to me the words I needed before I knew I needed them. How faithful he is to prepare me and speak to me. How good and perfect to tell me to share my pain so that I may be healed. I will never get over How God works in and around me. How he speaks to me. For just as Philippians 2:13 says, “For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” And it is good to see God both work His will in me! I stand amazed and blessed!

I originally wrote this poem, May 23, 2022 at 10:59 pm. May 29, 2024 at 11:21pm of last year, God told me to share my pain. And now today- I share this poem as God begins to fulfill that promise to me. That I will be transformed by releasing this grief. And I am and still in process. Praise God! How faithful is our God! And how faithful He as been to me!

ME

I can be soft yet strong 

Stubborn but patient 

Passionate yet subdued

Unyielding & cautious

A cacophony of emotion 

A brick wall of devotion

These notions of dichotomy

Sing their lines among my  existence 

Cause an uproar of questions

Some sing of motions 

Others roar of compulsion

This portion of me 

I can’t fit into a quotient

I have lost all understanding 

Of this potent je ne sais 

Beckoning me to a unknown place 

I can’t see anyway

What  wisdom lies beyond my vision

What triune eyes see sight unseen

Maybe there’s something right out side my periphery

Behind the objective 

An outlier standing front & center 

Contradicting life at its core

Bring new light from the source 

The underscore leading

The Understudy over 

This one repeated for closure 

Where Potent meets patient

Silence meet obstruction

Calm in the eye of the storm

I am one with the metaphor

Simultaneously confident of my competence 

Comfortable in uncomfortable

Found  among the lost 

Like stars among night

How could I despise its sight 

What if I am mystery 

Pandora’s box

A Paradox

A rubix cube of subterfuge 

 more to me than meets the eye

This fear rising up inside 

This seer asking me to dive in deep

What lies on the inside of

Is stronger than human might

It lives in feelings frought with fright

Where Impossible meets possible 

A sanctifying sanction of peace

What if deep love lies in the loneliest thing

Contradicting everything I’ve seen

What if great comfort will come from the broken thing only to be discovered where the hurt runs deep

Steeped in grief, 

Transformed by its release 

Relief

Something breaking

So that I could be free

Shattered into a wholeness 

It’s only just beginning

The clarity to come 

 Through the eyes of a child 

This humility so  necessary

 For a deep understanding

 Of me