John 12:24, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”
The Familiar Bad & the Foreign Good
One of the hardest things I’ve had to grieve recently is the things I’ve allowed in my life—whether it’s realizing my choices were fueled by my own trauma or that many of my desires were deeply rooted in seeking human validation rather than what I truly wanted.
I once heard the phrase: True growth is being able to sit with yourself and not run away when the ugly truth of you comes out. How much you can look at the man in the mirror, admit defeat, and then change is a massive sign of growth.
Growth is strange. On one end, you must look deeply into the insecurities and wounds that hurt you. You must feel the pain, wrestle with the lies and perceptions you’ve believed, and then let them go. This can feel akin to a child losing their favorite blanket or binky.
There’s a real truth to the phrase “growing pains,” because to grow, you must lose a part of yourself that you once thought was you. You must relinquish bad thought patterns and habits and forge a new path. As good as “new” is, it’s unfamiliar and different. Often, what keeps us from growing is the difficulty of bridging this gap. I would call this transition:
Leaving the Familiar Bad for the Foreign Good
Visualizing Growth
I like thinking of growth in these two concepts because it helps me visualize the difficult journey of healing and change.
The familiar bad includes patterns and habits you’re used to—things that feel second nature, that have cosplayed as your personality, and seem to be the “real” you. Through self-reflection, therapy, loss, or something else, we begin to see that these familiar habits or coping mechanisms aren’t good for us.
For example, one of my coping habits used to be guilt-tripping myself whenever I made a mistake. In my mind, making a mistake meant I had gone against the “good girl” persona I clung to. That failure felt like an attack on my identity. So, my mind tried to “punish” me by thinking horrible things about myself to make me feel bad. Then, I’d let myself off the hook by saying things like, “You’re not that bad. You’re overreacting.” That mental loop brought me back to the “good girl” reality, and I’d start to feel better.
For a long time, I accepted that pattern—until I realized it was keeping me from truly examining my role in situations. Rather than letting a mistake be an invitation to reflect and grow, I let it attack my identity. That’s dangerous. It left me constantly questioning “Who am I?” over every little mess-up.
We’re human, and part of being human is to err.
But I wasn’t learning anything from my mistakes because I was too busy protecting an identity that couldn’t handle failure. I couldn’t accept my flaws because, in my mind, that meant I wasn’t good enough—and that was scary. This loop of pity lasted for years. That was one of my familiar bad patterns.
Does that make sense?
Moving Toward Foreign Goods
As I’ve grown, I’ve had to stop and interrupt these thought loops. I’ve had to tell myself:
“Stop calling yourself names. Stop putting yourself down. You’re pitying yourself—stop it.”
At the same time, I’ve had to give myself grace to be human. I’ve realized that to truly face my issues, I need to be grounded in the grace of God—a grace that sees my flaws but calls me higher. This isn’t about self-pity. It’s about having a safe place to grow and rise again.
Self-pity and self-loathing trap us in a loop of despising ourselves with no real way forward. But living in grace allows us to examine our mistakes, learn from them, and improve. Because at the end of the day:
You are not your mistake.
Moving toward what’s good often feels foreign because we’re not used to it. Unfamiliar feelings are uncomfortable, and we often run back to the very things we want to escape.
Why? From a psychological standpoint, our brains are wired to normalize repeated behaviors. The brain loves patterns. Once something becomes a habit, it automates it to save time and energy. This means your brain doesn’t distinguish between what you do often and what’s good for you—repetition trumps desire.
Grace Gives Us Space to Grow
So, moving toward the good begins with examining yourself and your habits through the lens of grace. Gaining self-awareness and being curious about your choices helps bring those habits from unconscious patterns into conscious awareness.
We need grace to give our selves and our brains room to grow. This won’t happen overnight. But anything worthwhile takes time, practice, grace, and space.
As you navigate growth, it’s helpful to think of habit change like a baby learning to walk. You’re going to tumble as you get used to standing upright. But everyone cheers for a baby who’s trying! Even when they fall, the focus isn’t on the stumble—it’s on the effort and the growth.
Changing your thought patterns or habits will feel like being that baby again. Your legs will feel unstable. You’ll fall, then try again. And with enough practice, you’ll not only walk—you’ll grow strong enough to start something new.
Final Thoughts
I’m not a pro at traversing the gap between the familiar bad and the foreign good, but I wanted to shed light on the journey. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I’m grateful for the movement toward truth.
The Lord does not despise small beginnings.
And I’m thankful to be walking this new path toward healing and growth.
journeytonewplaces 
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