Genesis 32:28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[f]because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
🌱 Moving Forward
Sometimes grief is realizing the only thing holding you back is you.
There’s something deeply moving about recognizing that you are the one in charge of your life — that its betterment depends on you, not your circumstances.
Grief has taught me that I’ve hidden too long under its shadow, not realizing that what really scares me is a good life.
The road to living fully sounds beautiful, but it’s hard. You have to be brave enough to hope again, even knowing you might be disappointed.
Do you know how much courage it takes to face life after things haven’t gone your way? Or after trying and losing?
Do you know how hard it is to realize that so much of what has made life difficult is my own comfort?
You’re human, so I’m sure you can relate — one way or another.
Tears, Fears & Honest Questions
This past week, I’ve wept in self-pity.
I’ve wept in overwhelm.
I’ve wept in fear.
I’ve felt old fears rise again:
What if I’m single for many more years?
What is my life even about?
Is my life valuable without being a wife and mother?
And as silly as some of that may sound to others, these are the thoughts that run through my mind.
I’m still working through the grief of these things. I’ve felt it and wept it.
But what now?
What does healing look like after grief?
Something snapped in me this week — a realization:
How long will I grieve a life that doesn’t currently exist?
What do I do with the life I have now?
What If the Worst Happens…
So let’s play through this exercise.
What if the worst, to me, actually happens?
What if I’m single far longer than I hope — three years, five years, maybe more?
Then the question becomes:
👉🏽 What do I do with this big life?
👉🏽 What have I wanted to do but have been too fearful of?
For me, being single often feels lonely, purposeless, or “less than” being married.
But what if I’ve been hiding behind those roles instead of walking forward into my purpose?
I have so much within me — so many dreams, hopes, business ideas, and desires.
Yet it’s been hard to embrace dreams outside of marriage and parenthood because I wanted those first.
So how do I yield and change?
Discipline is something I’ve long wanted for myself.
A Poem I Wrote Once…
“Loneliness hugs me like a familiar friend
And I’m so tired of him —
Or am I?
Or does my loneliness challenge me,
Challenge me not to hide behind kids and a husband,
But to be more of what God called me to be?
Do I dislike singleness because I don’t like me?
Do I sit comfortably, waiting for a prince to save me
From my own lack of discipline?”
I’ve often heard that marriage doesn’t solve your problems — it exposes them.
It brings to light what’s already in you.
So why not use this time to become more of who I was created to be?
Wrestling with God
I’ve struggled to let go — to truly surrender to God and this current season of my life.
And on a recent walk, the Holy Spirit whispered something to me:
“How do you savor its beauty and not rush its close?”
Today, I don’t have wise words or neat answers — just questions.
Just a fellow believer in the wrestle.
Jacob’s Wrestle
When Jacob was preparing to meet his brother Esau, he sent caravans of gifts ahead to pacify him.
The night before, he sent his whole family ahead — and was left alone in the camp.
It was then, when he was alone, that he wrestled with God.
Maybe there’s something to that — being alone with God and wrestling with Him alone.
Just you and God.
Jacob’s name was changed after that wrestle to Israel.
He fought with God and asked to be blessed.
Whether it was God Himself or an angel of the Lord, one thing is clear: Jacob wasn’t stronger than God.
With one touch, God dislocated his hip.
Yet Jacob kept wrestling.
It wasn’t until God said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak,” that Jacob made his request — and he left that place with a blessing, a limp, and a new name.
His name changed because he struggled with both man and God — and prevailed.
That amazes me — that man could strive with God and live.
Jacob even named the place Peniel, saying, “I have seen God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
Jacob wrestled with God when he was alone.
Despite his hip being out of joint, he stayed — he wanted God’s blessing.
There’s something powerful in that perseverance.
So I ask myself:
Am I willing to wrestle with God in my current circumstance, no matter what lies ahead? To be bold and remain when it gets hard and painful? And still have the audacity to ask God to bless me? Am I willing to struggle with God?
Are you?
journeytonewplaces 
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