Psalm 12:1-2 Help, Lord, for no one is faithful anymore; those who are loyal have vanished from the human race.Everyone lies to their neighbor they flatter with their lips but harbor deception in their hearts

jesus wept, I guess i could too

Today I wept; the deep, guttural, snot nose type of weeping. I wept and wept until words came and told me what I was weeping about.

I am weary, I am tired and I have been sad for a long time…

Friendships with people have been hard for me. Despite being a ” people person” and being able to spark up a conversation with anyone. I find myself able to amen many friends but to keep them is tough.

But a podcast I listened to on women friendships I listened to last night crack my pain open like a wrecking ball through a building. I will forever thank my friend Danessa for it!

The podcast is called, The Mel Robbins Podcast and the episode is It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship is so Hard & 3 ways to make it easier. And I must say the research, the wisdom and the openness of the convo is so needed. It made me ponder deeply my friendships and my part in them- for the good and the bad. But I digress.

I am sad & tired because if I am honest I am tired of people hurting me. Tired of so called friends or family talking about you behind your back. Or people making assumptions about you. tired of the consistent jabs and low blows. Tired of what I have allowed in friendship. Tired of me. Tired of this version of me

I spoke with my sister and I was telling her a story about a person I look up to and when I shared what she said-she was like that was very mean. And before she could finish, I tried to defend. But if I am honest, I felt odd with her saying that too. but I was mid convo and was trying to get a point across rather than assessing why that caught me off guard. So used to getting shocked by careless words that I only ponder on it weeks later when it resurfaces.

How often I have been here. I hear a word or phrase from a person I call friend- it stings and it hurts with no explanation. Whether they claim joke, or being honest – the words go deep. And Iw wonder what I did wrong to deserve them.

But the truth is, instead of confront those smaller offenses I stack them. And pull away or lift up my wall to protect me. For others I become anxious trying to keep them and keep the peace and say nothing. But there lies no peace in there bones where offense lies like a wound that’s infected. And as I ignore my pain it festers causing me to assume no one is trustworthy.

I know we are all broken. But I have tried to be a good friend. I have encouraged, I have been kind I have gone the extra, extra mile? Ad don’t ge the started on fellow believers who I am called to love even the more. but whose careless words I rather stay away from. Some judge me as too worldly others, for being too pious?

But then don’t I have a decision to choose friends? Isn’t that my responsibility? Why have I been so comfortable with words that are mean? Why am I ok with others’ rudeness? Is a lack of confrontation really keeping the peace? And why when something bothers me or shocks me do I merely dismiss it? why am I the butt end of their joke?

The pain comes deeply when I realize that my low view of self is keeping me in situation O don’t need to be in. Trauma came up as I wept and I realized I people please to avoid conflict. Because if they really saw and knew me would they really remain? If not for my gifts or talents – would they want me? Just me?

And so I fear being bare- even in this journal entry- I fear the pain being exposed in it. fear the girl who is supposed to have all the friends- be too afraid to be close to any. because I have also been lied too, called bad names and treated horribly. SO I shield me- the version of me they get isn’t whole me. I am learning not everyone is worthy of all of you. but how can you have relationship with no trust? I barely trust me

So I am waking up to the changes I need to make in me. despite the hurt of others, I have hurt others too. I have said words careless, I have not shown up, I have not open my heart to full friendship because I am to scared of my heart being broken again so I shield it.

Not realizing I am the jailer to my own prison

I hold to the key

And no one is coming to save me

Because its me- someone cannot do what I was only meant to

So this is for me

To looking for therapist

To addressing past wounds with friends

To being more fully me even if that mean is am more lonely

To have less of the many

More of the few good men

To accepting new friendships and not just dropping them

In fear of the pain

That if I am at a horizon of new friendships

The best that’s yet to come

If only I do the work, embrace the lessons, and learn from the pain.