Psalm 10:17 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear

My PSALM, a lament of the aFFLICTIONS OF my SOUL

How Long O Lord?

Why have you forgotten me

Why are you so far away from my time of trouble?

Why must I be shamed?

Amid a rising storm of questions as I walk into another thanksgiving with no one

No partner in tow

No one in sight

I find myself weeping randomly and not understanding its origin

Are they the groans that Romans speak of

Those too deep for words

Why must I do so much

Why must I be cracked open

And I feel that it must be

To show the world what’s housed in me

If I am cracked open what will they see

The brokenness

The faith wrapped in questions

My life a series of tests

Always purifying

Never pure enough it seems

Enough to get the things

That seem normal to everyone around me

I am protected

Shielded

A Fortress

But for what?.

You, yes you, Lord and for your glory

And now you ask me to hope again for the very thing I have always desired

Are you surprised I fear this

I fear trusting you

Because you will disappoint me

Like so many years before why

Did all the 22 years old in college get wed but me

Why was it good for you to remember them & not me

Why must I be an example of waiting

Praying and expecting

Why must I hold purity in my heart and disdain in my hand

How long must I quench every desire for a man & children

Why do you mock me with all those around me

Why me?

Why must I pour out sonnets of your truth

When you have not been faithful to me in this one thing?

One thing have I ask and that I seek- You

But is it ok to ask for 2

2 are better than 1

So why am I just with me?

Why have they been entrusted with husband and children?

And I what, The oracles of God?

Is that a little thing?

Am I so little in my own eyes before God

Do I not see his goodness for me

What if my singleness serves to elevate his glory

Is that not enough for me?

Does the clay say to its master why have you made me this way?

Have mercy on my questions O Lord

But I pray you answer me

For I am but dust of the ground

Yet your breath is in me

Help me to understand

But even if understanding is not my lot

Comfort me

Change my mind and perspective

My soul is bereft within me

You have said in your word

You hear the desire of the afflicted

That you strengthen their hearts

That you incline your ear

Do you see my desire

Why is my heart not strengthened

Are you inclining your ear to me

Do you see me?

You say you are near to the broken hearted

O Lord be near me

For I am numb

Exchange this heart of stone for a heart of flesh