Proverbs 19:3 — A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.
I have been running for a long time.Running from my calling. Running from what I desire. Running from what feels difficult.Running has become so familiar that it feels natural—even when I’m running from the very things I long for. As I’ve been growing, I’ve also been grieving this part of me, especially the part that runs from the good things.
If you’ve kept up with this blog, you know that marriage has been a long-standing desire of mine—one I’ve deeply mourned because it still hasn’t happened. One of the hardest realizations in this journey has been recognizing that I have been in the way of this desire. My insecurities and my beliefs about myself have kept me from something I’ve wanted for so long. And the Holy Spirit has been calling me out on it.
Here’s how:
A Memory I Didn’t Expect to Revisit
Recently on Facebook, I came across a man I used to have a crush on and saw that he was now engaged. I remembered him clearly—we used to work together. I wasn’t surprised he was getting married; he was a good man and definitely the marrying type.
But that night, the Holy Spirit brought back a memory of a date I had with him, and it shook me.
This man was a gorgeous 6 ft tall guy. At work, we would walk past each other and exchange glances, but never speak. A few months later, he moved to a role in Chicago. I happened to travel there for a work event in his sales market. We started chatting afterward, and when I mentioned dinner with my MBA friends, I invited him—and to my surprise, he was excited to come.
He asked if he could pick me up from my hotel and grab drinks beforehand. He picked me up, we talked, he opened up about his childhood and his path in sales, and then we had dinner with my friends. Mind you—this man was not extroverted! But he showed up. It was a truly great date.
The thing about being blind to your insecurities is that you often don’t see the damage they cause. You don’t realize how far they will go to “protect” you.
The Moment I Wish I Could Undo
It’s painful to admit this, but I didn’t realize how badly I hurt him until a few weeks ago when the Holy Spirit brought this memory back.
Here was a man I had a crush on for a long time—standing right in front of me. And yet the next day, after my friend told me he was cute, I pitched him to her.
Yes, I asked the man I liked—the one who took me on a date—if I could give his number to my friend.
I know. It sounds crazy. And it was crazy.
But at the time, because of how I viewed myself, I genuinely could not believe he liked me. Even though his actions made it obvious.
The next time I saw him at a sales meeting, I went to say hi and he was not happy. At the time, I didn’t understand why. But now I do. He showed up with clarity, intention, and vulnerability—and I shut him down without even realizing it.
While my intentions weren’t malicious, the impact still hurt him. And it hurts me now to see how blind I was.
A Grief That Became a Mirror
When the Holy Spirit brought this back to my mind, it exposed the depth of insecurity and the low view of self that I had. For years, I prayed that God would help me receive my future husband. And God has been gently showing me: I have been part of the problem.
The Holy Spirit has been calling me out—sometimes gently, sometimes painfully—but always for my growth. I’m ashamed of this moment, but if I want to learn from it, I have to address the root issues.
The truth is, I’m still growing into seeing myself the way God sees me. I’m learning to believe people when they say they care. As I put myself out there, many hidden issues are rising to the surface—and honestly, it’s about time.
There’s a lyric from NF that says, “If you want love, you’re going to have to go through the pain.”
And whew… these grief letters have been a whole journey of sitting with my pain.
Because of what the Holy Spirit showed me, I want to grow intentionally in a few ways.
Lessons I’ve Learned
1. The most important thing I can steward in dating is myself.
If I truly believed I was worthy of love simply because I am human and made by God, I wouldn’t be shocked that a man might genuinely like me. Dating often focuses on external things, but the most meaningful moments reflect our interior world.
This is an invitation to take ownership of my patterns and ask why.
2. Your real beliefs show up in your actions.
For years, I said I wanted to get married. I was frustrated with God for not sending a partner. But as the story shows, God placed exactly what I wanted in front of me—and I rejected it because I didn’t believe I could receive it.
James says, “Show me your faith without works, and I will show you my faith by my works.”
Belief isn’t passive. When your actions don’t reflect what you say, it’s worth questioning what you truly believe.
3. I am responsible for pursuing and preparing for the things I desire.
If someone laid your dream before you, would you take it?
Even when what I wanted was right in front of me, I still needed the courage to recognize it and reach for it. Sometimes our desires are within reach—but can we discern them? And are we willing to take hold of them?
4. Growing pains are inevitable.
Growth will require discomfort. I’ve had to face hard truths about myself, especially in dating. But I believe I can change. Repentance is simply a change of mind and direction.
It may be humbling to admit my mistakes, but it would be worse to see them clearly and learn nothing. I’m grateful God is revealing these things, and even more grateful that I’m willing to grow.
Final Thoughts
I have so much more to learn, and it can feel overwhelming. But I’m thankful that God disciplines those He loves.
Hebrews 12:11 says:
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
The harvest only comes to those who allow themselves to be trained.
My prayer is that I not only receive God’s discipline but also walk in repentance toward real change. My prayer is that I willingly endure the growing pains that come with transformation. And my hope is that one day, I will experience the harvest of righteousness and peace.
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