Proverbs 12:1
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid.

The Meat of It

I was sitting in Bible study as one of the men was sharing. On his lap lay his Bible, opened to Proverbs 12:1. As I read that verse, I was stunned.

You see, I haven’t been very disciplined in my life. No—I have been quite undisciplined.

But there was one season in my life when I truly buckled down, and that was when I studied for the GMAT the second time around. I had failed miserably the first time due to poor preparation. But because I wanted to go to grad school—and specifically wanted to get into UF—I had no choice but to get serious.

So I did something I had never done before: I became extremely disciplined.

I woke up at 5 a.m., spent 30 minutes with God, studied for 1.5–2 hours, then got ready for work. I worked until 5 or 6 p.m., and many nights I studied again to catch up if I had fallen behind in the morning. Sometimes I even brought my study books to work so I could study during lunch.

Because of this, I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do. I had to say no far more often than I was used to, just to stay focused on accomplishing this goal. I took one day off per week so my mind could actually rest. Within that regimented schedule, I learned how I personally recharge, and I learned so much about myself during those three months.

By the grace of God, I improved my score by over 200 points. While I still didn’t hit the score I wanted, it was a massive feat—and God opened a door for me to get in using my GRE score instead. There is much more to that story, but it taught me one thing clearly: discipline is in me.

The reason I was disciplined in that season is simple—I wanted the reward badly enough to pay the cost.

My life has lacked that same discipline for one reason only: in my daily life, I have refused to pay the cost of discipline.

Yesterday was a perfect example.

I got home in the afternoon with plenty of time to clean my room, write this blog, and finish work I had been procrastinating. I told myself I’d turn on a movie while I worked. Immediately, a thought came to mind: You know you work better without the TV.

But I didn’t want to buckle down.

So instead, I put on a series about two unconventional people falling in love. I abandoned my work altogether and focused solely on the show. I stayed up late, deciding I’d worry about my responsibilities another day. There I was, falling asleep on the couch, watching a show until around 1:45 a.m.

When I finally went to bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. Thoughts of lust crept in. I fed them with fantasies of being wanted, desired, and pursued. Then that familiar sin appeared—masturbation. A sin I have been fighting for years.

While I didn’t give in, I noticed something far more sinister.

The sin didn’t begin with thoughts of masturbation. The sin began when I failed to do the thing I knew I was supposed to do.

James 4:17 says, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.”

David was at home when kings were supposed to be at war—that’s when he was tempted by Bathsheba. And yesterday, I was supposed to be working. Because I wasn’t doing what I was meant to do, I left the door open to temptation.

I knew the right thing was to turn off the TV and focus. I ignored that conviction because I wanted to relax and watch a Christmas movie. Some battles, I’m realizing, I don’t actually have to fight—but I place myself in them when I choose my will over obedience. That choice opens the door to sin: the desire to go my own way.

James 1:14–15
But each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Our own evil desires tempt us—not anyone or anything else. My desire led me to feed lust with images in my mind. I often told myself that because I didn’t act physically, I had done well. But the image I was worshiping was still lust.

Why am I surprised when that leads to death?

I didn’t realize how much I compromise myself every time I choose undiscipline. The battle that waged in me was one I created by walking roads I had no business being on. Had I been doing my work, what temptation would have been there? Or at least, how much easier would it have been to resist?

All I know for sure is this: I fought a battle I didn’t need to fight because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do.

I am continually shocked by the fact that I have evil desires waging war within me. I understand now why Scripture tells us to put the flesh to death. I have held my flesh too closely for too long. I have not disciplined my body and made it my slave, as 1 Corinthians 9:27 says.

I have sown into my flesh and expected to reap holiness. How?

I’m struck by how much I need to walk in step with God. My lust—my own sin—reveals how far I drift when I neglect obedience. Yet I also know God provides ways of escape, and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Although I didn’t masturbate, I grieve the sin of lust. I grieve because, according to Proverbs 12:1, I have hated knowledge. I grieve because I walked into a battle I never needed to fight. And it hurts to look in the mirror and see the truth clearly.

Lately, I’ve struggled to worship God in my own home. I don’t feel like lifting up a song of worship. I couldn’t understand why—until now. I haven’t been gazing at the beauty of God; I’ve been gazing at other images, including myself.

God says He will have no other gods before Him. Have I not put other gods before Him? You cannot serve both God and another.

I write this not to condemn myself, but to hold up the mirror. I want to tell myself the truth before my heart grows too dull to receive it.

Lord, help me trust and follow Your ways.

Obedience is found in the small, daily choices to choose God. The big failures only reveal all the quiet areas where I’ve neglected to put Him first. It’s sobering—but there is no better time to wake up than now.

I end with a passage that has stayed with me for some time:

Romans 13:12–14
The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.