Psalm 23:2“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.”

One night, I sat down to spend time with God, and a vision of me playing the guitar came to mind. So I went upstairs to get it. I brushed my callous-less fingers across the strings — a feeling that was once so familiar. As I began to play, a song surfaced that struck a chord with me. (Pun intended.)

The lyrics went like this:

What are you really running from, darling?
What are the fears that come up… in the silence?
I was longing for your face
Just to sit in your embrace
You rush away to a million things today
You didn’t sit and wait to hear Me say
I love you, my dear.

As I sang those words, they felt pointed — almost as if God was trying to get my attention.

That morning, I had rushed out of the house with so much on my mind. And the question lingered:

What am I running from?

I don’t think I even realized I was running. But lately, I’ve felt this gentle nudge to rest.

I’m so used to doing. Used to movement. Used to full calendars and constant productivity. Slowing down feels unnatural. And so when I sit with God — or avoid sitting with Him — the question remains:

What am I running from?

Am I running from disapproval from my Heavenly Father?
Do I fear His instructions?
Or is it what the next line says — what fears come up in the silence?

That one, I can answer.

The fears that rise in silence are many:

How long will I be alone?
Will I look foolish going all out for You?
What will obedience cost me?
Will I always feel this restless discontent?
What about my job?
Why does contentment feel so far away?
Why was it hard to post that video about repentance?
Am I doing this for You… or for likes?

There is a lot going on in my mind.

But I don’t often stop long enough to invite God into it. It’s almost like that part of me is compartmentalized — productive on the outside, unsettled on the inside.

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Lately, I’ve sensed God inviting me to rest.

And I’ve realized how hard that is for me.

I am tired.
Not just physically — but deeply.

The constant going. The constant optimizing.

A friend told me to have ChatGPT roast me, so I did. Part of what it said was:

“You don’t spiral, you re-strategize.
You don’t stress, you restructure.
You don’t rest — you ‘intentionally recover.’
You don’t have hobbies, you have scalable initiatives.
And here’s the meanest part: you lowkey think you’re behind.
Behind where??
God is probably looking down like,
‘Please. Sit down. Drink water. Stop launching things.’
You don’t need a mentor. You need a nap.”

The accuracy was loud.

While AI was analyzing my patterns, God was revealing something deeper: rest has been difficult for me for a long time.

You can’t hit a moving target. And I am very used to moving.

Busy calendars. Prayer calls. Two Bible studies every other week. Another weekly Bible study. Serving at church. A weekly prayer time with a friend (that eventually fizzled out — and though I was upset at first, I’m thankful now).

It never felt like “too much” because I am used to full.

Pulling back has been uncomfortable.

Because who am I if I’m not doing?

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I’ve realized something else: I don’t think I feel worthy of rest.

There’s this underlying belief that if my life isn’t exactly where I want it to be, I shouldn’t rest yet. Like rest is a reward for arrival.

I remember one summer in college. I stayed home, slept late — sometimes until 1 or 2 p.m. I wasn’t partying. I wasn’t reckless. I was just sleeping.

One day my mom said, “I can’t take that you’re just sleeping all day.”

So I got a job two hours away at a sleep-away camp and left for the summer.

And even now I sometimes wonder — what was wrong with me resting? Why did it feel unacceptable to just be still?

Even sharing that feels vulnerable. My mind still questions whether I was wrong.

But what I do know is this: I struggle to rest.

And I’m beginning to see that maybe I always have.

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So now, I’m trying to learn.

Not just sleep — but rest.

And honestly? I’m not sure I know how.

But recently, rest has looked like:

• Laying down in the secret place while the Bible app reads Scripture over me.
• Falling asleep in the secret place— and it being the sweetest sleep.
• Watching a movie instead of cleaning.
• Skipping the third Bible study of the week.

Small things. But for me, they are shifts.

They are changing something in my psyche.

I used to think God was in all my busyness.

But is He?

Or is busyness just more comfortable than stillness?

Psalm 23 keeps coming to mind. He makes me lie down.

Sometimes I feel like God tells me to lay down — and I hesitate to even say that out loud because I’m afraid people will call it laziness.

But when I do lay down with Him, I feel restored.

Maybe God is teaching me how to rest.

Not because I’ve earned it.
Not because I’ve achieved enough.
But because I am His.

I want to learn how to work from rest, not strive for it.

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My prayer in this season:

Lord, restore my soul.
Show me how deeply I need to rest — and to rest in You.
Teach me to find my value not in performing, but in belonging to You.
Help me lean fully on You.
Show me how to rest.

Amen.