Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

BIRTHDAY JOYS & BLUES

It’s the day after my 34th birthday! I am on my way back home on the train from my quick solo trip to Chicago. I got words, facetime calls, alone time, a fancy dinner and time off! The only thing I haven’t done yet was a dinner with friends, which has more to do with my lack of planning more than anything. However, I am excited to say I have room at my table to invite the community I have helped cultivate around me. A community that felt like it took years to build!

I am so proud to say I have people who genuinely love me and want to celebrate me! I am so grateful for these people in my life! Yesterday, I was reminded from close & extended family, and friends in all walks of life how special and valued I am. So much so, that reading some of those text and listening to some of the voice notes moved me to tears. My cup is truly overflowing and i am beyond grateful for that.

Yet before my birthday, I experienced a common phenomenon called birthday blues. I think aging makes you reflect in the past year and look forward to the next. This past year was one of deep reflection, spiritual growth and change. However, its also a time I can quickly scan my life goals and desires and see if they have come to past. And the big question that often looms over me … another year of singleness. It’s never just one thing either that triggers it. It’s a multitude of things. It starts with a trickle and then forms an avalanche; and that avalanche broke today.

A sea of questions, and avalanche of thoughts

Some examples:

New friends: “So you moved here without any family or anything?” or ” You’re here on your own?!”

My thought: A sense of unease comes over me at how weird or potentially uncommon this is. Pity or a bit of shame about me being here alone

Old friend: ” whats going on with your life?

My thought: I share updates about life and wonder if me not sharing about a man makes me seem lame or weird

An old crush: Happy birthday!

My thought: I wonder about that night out we had years ago, that I wish could have ende dup as something instead of nothing

My Mind: I hope I meet a cute guy on this solo trip

My thought: My thought lingers to being held, desired, and wanted… desire rises like an ache I need to relieve. Sadness because there is no hope in sight

While these seem like normal thoughts, around my birthday they feel heavier. Because I have to wrestle with the idea of another year of life without anyone by my side. And the reality of time passing me by. I would have never guessed I would be entering my mid thirties single. YEt here I am and holding the space for celebrating all the good and recognizing the small lack is tough. I tend to focus on the lack. but in this last season, while life has been full, that desire doesn’t get filled with friendships or community. I don’t mean that to say I am lacking. It just means,I ache for the romantic type of love. And today I am writing to hold the space for the not yet.

hOLDING SPace for the tension

This tension is hard. One, because i see the beauty of my singleness and am actually living one of the benefits of time freedom, by using my time freely. But there are days I wonder if my waiting is in vain. if God will answer. if I will be able to endure, this unknown date. Questions come back about should I have done this or that. What is blessing of honoring God’s command? Do not fear, my head knows the Christian response. I know these are not right to think. But they come up and I am glad God is so kind about how I feel. That he cares about casting my cares and sometimes that means grieving in real time rather than pushing it down. God says blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Ecclesiastes 7:3 says, “Sorrow is better than laughter, for a sad face makes the heart glad.”

So after writing this letter, I will do just that. Make space to bring my request to God like Hannah did with tears so much so she looked drunk and foolish to the Prophet Eli.

I will practice the art of casting my cares on you Lord. I will learn that this is an act of trust and a building of intimacy with you. I trust in this promise: That when I mourn, I shall be comforted.