Isaiah 40:31 “…but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint.”

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Renewed Strength

I am not sure where to start, except that I am beginning to see God’s plan. I feel I am finally experiencing what it means to rise up on wings like eagles. Renewed strength is a result of waiting on the Lord. I have asked God so often, “When will I rise up on wings like eagles?” I have been a Christian for a little over 15 years now, and this year feels like the year of Jubilee — when debts are erased, land is bought back to its original order, and all is restored. It’s hard to even begin to write, because in the last four months things have changed dramatically. I will try to shed light on these massive shifts happening in my life.

A few of the things God has restored for me this year:

Masturbation no longer rules me: For nearly 30 years, I struggled with a sin that entered my life at the tender age of 4. Sex should never be introduced to a child, but it was, and I began masturbation after a cousin told me about the “sex game.” I no longer blame myself for what happened as a child — I didn’t understand. But as an adult, I clung to the familiar. It would often serve as a coping mechanism to calm myself down, and I felt ashamed. I always told God, “If only I didn’t start wrong because of the trauma I had been through.” I felt like a slave to this maladaptive practice. But God set me free. I had often experienced periods of freedom, but I would always go back. Then one day, during my time with God — having just committed this sin the night before — I asked Him to give me a vision or something, because this had been such a stronghold. He gave me a vision, and after a week or two, some clarity on what He showed me. Sometimes, all we have to do is ask God for help. I received revelation through that vision, and with it came freedom. God had already broken the curse of sin in my life on the cross — I just needed to live under repentance and begin to believe I was everything He said I was. I speak more on this in this article. This is one of the greatest blessings and freedoms I have ever experienced.

Restoration of my relationship with my Father: I grew up with my father in the home, but our relationship was passive. I wished he had shown more interest in me. I felt abandoned, and that father wound showed up in many ways over the years. I longed for God to restore it, but it felt impossible that my dad would ever change — and my lack of belief wasn’t helping. With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible! My father has acknowledged his wrongs and longs for reconciliation, and we have been texting and talking on the phone lately. It has been a big shift from where things stood last year. If you want to know about the grief I experienced with my father, click the link here. At the end of that blog, I even write that I hoped we could one day reconcile — not realizing that day would come sooner than I could have imagined.

God is my safe space: Sometimes going to God has been scary for me over the years. I have often been afraid of guilt and shame, so I wouldn’t go to Him after I sinned in a big way — at least in my own opinion. I would create a kind of self-imposed penance by staying away from Him. This went on for years, and it was hard to recognize as a pattern. But it was. I’m not entirely sure how this changed, but lately — maybe for the first time in my life — I am bringing the hurts of my heart to God quickly. I think to pray first about my feelings instead of ignoring them and stuffing them down. Through writing my grief letter series, I have learned that God really cares for us. He wants to hear our afflictions, our pains, our hurts, our complaints, and even our arguments. Isaiah 43:26 says, “Put me in remembrance; let us argue together; set forth your case, that you may be proved right.” God is not afraid of the emotions He gave us — and yes, that includes the sad ones, the ones we deem bad or mad. He wants it all. And that has been so freeing. Jesus shares a promise in the Beatitudes: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” And I have seen this to be true.

Clarity in Creativity: Last year’s series on grief letters created a place and posture of reflection. God used that to surface broken wounds and heal them. In the midst of that, and many other things, God put it on my heart to share my life on social media. This scared me, because I was afraid to be fully seen as myself — especially as a Christian. I needed to write that grief series, because my unprocessed grief had been holding me back from pursuing the things I wanted and loved. It seems God has restored so many of the griefs that had saddened me, and that is amazing to me — because we truly can cast our cares on God, for He cares for us. He longs to be near the brokenhearted, because He is a healer. So last year, around August, I started sharing what God had placed on my heart — some things current, and some from long ago. It has been incredible to see that people care to listen, and even more, that people have been encouraged by the words I share. I feel God has thrust me into the spotlight so that the lessons learned in the dark can be shared with all — or as Habakkuk 2:2 says, I can write the vision and make it plain, so that a herald may run with it.

Provision of Community: 2024 felt like a stripping away of friendships and community. I felt God leading me away from my church without a clear direction of where to go. I lost friends, and it was brutal. More on that specifically in this grief blog. I was largely alone, except that God did provide two people I could spend time with — one was 46 and the other 63 at the time. They were such blessings in my life, but it still hurt not to have friends my age. Through one of those friends, I found a church that has become a true pillar of community for me. I have also met many people my age, and I am overwhelmed by it all. To have godly friendship and community has been refreshing to my soul.

Physical Healing: 2024 was not only painful because of the loss of friendships — it also brought sickness. At the beginning of the year, I couldn’t eat without pain in my throat. I was told my kidney was functioning like that of a 70-year-old. I could no longer sing, and I stepped off of my worship team as a result. I went to the hospital so often that year, especially in the first half, yet doctors weren’t giving me many answers about what was going on in my body. So I began taking my health into my own hands. I tried many different elimination diets, and the candida diet worked best for me. I was also fasting a lot in 2024 — more than I had in my entire life. One friend would often joke, “You’re always on a fast!” Before that season, I had only fasted once, failed, and never tried again. But in 2024, fasting — especially three-day water fasts — proved to bring real spiritual and physical breakthroughs. Fasting helped me hear God more clearly, and it was also causing seismic shifts in me spiritually whose benefits I would reap later. It also helped me curb overeating. My unexplained symptoms and throat pain pushed me toward elimination diets, which in turn pushed me to eat healthier. I lost 20 pounds and have kept it off for the past two years. I also realized I had injured my vocal chords, which was devastating at the time — but today I am so glad, because I can sing again. In 2024, I wasn’t sure I ever would.

The biggest change, though, came as a PCOS girlie. At 13, I got my period, and it was almost never regular — especially since 2010, when I went to college and it became very irregular- like 3 times a year irregular! I was told I have PCOS and might have a harder time having children in the future because I wasn’t ovulating each month like normal. This worried me greatly. But one of the greatest healings has been my period becoming regular. It started after I felt God whisper to me: some things come out through fasting and prayer. So I did a three-day water fast. On the third day, at the end of 2024, my period came — and it has been regular ever since, except for one missed cycle around my birthday when I ate a little less carefully. Since then, I have maintained a low-gluten, low-sugar diet because my body simply works better this way. These have been huge healings and transformations for me.

And yet, I still feel like this is only the beginning of so much more to come, and I am so excited. For now, I am simply grateful to God for His faithfulness. He cared about so much in my life and helped me through all of it. He truly makes everything beautiful in its time. So be encouraged if you are in a tough season — things will change. Wait for it, even if it seems slow. God will bring it to pass in due season.