Hope deferred makes the hurt sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life -Proverbs 13:12

It felt fitting to write about my journey in singleness and dating in this post since yesterday was valentines day. There is a time and season for all things. And dating is one of those things I keep close to my chest. I very rarely share this in public or even in private for that matter. But I am looking at this post as a process of healing by sharing my story. So why am I single?

There are a many layers to answer in that question. But before I answer, I will share some context. I grew up in Miami Florida to Haitian parents. If you grew up Haitian you know that that means: L’akay, L’ecole, L’egalize was the mantra of the Haitian household. Translated in order of its placement those words mean: Home, School and church. These were the location approved & allowed during the week. Beyond those 3, there really wasn’t much else. I heard of kids sneaking out and I was always baffled. because My Haitian mom did not play that. I was barely allowed to go to parties and events; and especially not sleepovers. In retrospect, I understand and appreciate not going to sleepovers! To add to that, my parents never spoke about dating. They never spoke about how you should look at guys or how guys should treat you. I barely knew the story of my parents getting together until I was older. Plus I are up Chrisitan, so all I heard was don’t have sex before marriage and that’s about it. Somehow, there was a gap and jump into adulthood where you end up married and I assumed that would happen for me.

Now how does this transition into adulthood? Well I was the “good kid”. I wasn’t trying to break rules and I wasn’t trying to get in trouble. When it came to high school and dating. I didn’t do a thing. Did I want to date, yes. Did I know how to navigate that world, no. I liked a lot of guys but I lived out an hour away and any “hanging out” was already not allowed. I also had no idea about showing interest with guys. I thought if they liked you they would just tell you and ask you out. While yes they do, it’s helpful to show them you’re interested. I also did not understand at the time when a guy was showing interest back then. So you could imagine why I was a bit behind in this area. When I got to college, that’s when christianity became my own faith and not just my parent’s faith. I chose to follow Jesus and all that that entails. Now I came to be a christian in a weird time. I say weird time because you had purity culture saying don’t have sex. And then you had a book called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” which even though I never read it became a popular option piece as to why we shouldn’t date until we know someone is the one? Or something like that. I remember in my Chrisitan group there was a lot of pressure to hear God about who you were dating and if you broke up it would mean you didn’t hear God! Can you imagine? ITs so funny because I am a very action oriented person. But the one place I wasn’t was in dating. The pressure to do it the right way was heavy. The lack of knowledge and wisdom on this topic was heavy. And the culture I was surrounded with did marry young and often but I had no instruction. So I figured, God would bring my husband even with my lack of participation in the process. Its kind of hilarious looking back but also kinda sad. I graduated college having never been on a date and not knowing anything more than when I first came to college. I knew a lot about the Bible, guys I liked and Chrisitan friends getting married but that gap of dating in between was left blank.

After I graduated college at 22, I moved to Colorado to help with a church plant. This church was located high in the Rocky Mountains about 9,000 ft in the air in a small town called Dillon, Co. Just look it up! It was the most beautiful place surrounded by white capped mountains and some of the best views I’d ever seen. Again, I was also surrounded by young ,married people mostly and a few singles. Let’s just say its a very small town and not very churched. So it was slim pickings. Bt this time I dd seek help from a leader I could trust but she just said you singles need to be patient; you all want marriage so bad or something to that affect. Looking back, she was not in a marriage she liked and is now married to another. SO the advice I was receiving was skewed. I was 22 and young and moved to Colorado on my own – as much as dating was something I wanted I had so much adulting to do that was already tough on my own. But year after yearI got fed up not knowing what to do in this area of my life and finally sought out resources for dating as a Chrisitan. One book that transformed my life was How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud. It’s not a perfect book but for someone who wanted practical advice on dating and navigating that world, its still the best book I have read hands down.The books says they guarantee you date in 6 months or less and honestly it really worked lol. Where was this book for me in high school. I went on my first date at 25. Wild I know! But you can see why my timeline for dating is a bit behind others. By 25, most people have 7-10 years of dating experience at a time I was just beginning mine. So that should shed a bit of light on why I am single.

Beyond the delayed timeline of dating, I have moved quite a bit in my life in the last few years. In 2018, I moved from Colorado to West Palm Beach; in 2019, I moved to Gainesville to pursue my MBA. In 2021, I graduated with my masters and moved to the Midwest where I got a job. While all these moves didn’t hinder me from dating. It was sure hard to navigate it with all the changes. In July of this year. This summer will mark the 4 year anniversary of being in Detroit and that will be the longest I have lived anywhere since college. I have dated a lot during these past 6-7 years but my focus has often been short term. And to be honest , entrusting my heart to someone was something I wasn’t excited about. I felt odd being so delayed in my dating experiences and so behind.

I was 29 when I moved to Detroit and I had been dreading turning 30 because I was single. Turning 30, being a Chrisitan and not being married felt like it would be worst thing to happen. It was not in my plans. And to be honest, It’s been really hard. I add the Christian layer because often times the value of a woman beyond marriage and childbearing is not often discussed. Like if I didn’t do those 2 things what was my purpose. Rarely, are woman ever described as being made in God’s image outside of being a wife and mother. Tangent– Look up Ezer -kenegdo- it describes the phrase God uses when he says I will make a help mate suitable for him in Genesis 2:18. Ezer is a word God uses to describe himself; Ezer means help but not in the context of subservient as we often thing of the help in today’s culture. The popular verse Psalm 121:2, My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. The word help there is the same help God wanted woman to be to humanity! Anyways, I digress.

I have grieved losing time in pursuing what I want. I have grieved being single and feeling like the odd one out. I have grieved lost time about things I had wish I had known. I have grief on what &who I missed out on by having these fears. I grieve what I wish I had done. But one thing I am happy about is just the awareness of it all. I am aware and often that’s the first step. I realize I want to be married and the ball is very much in my court to put myself out there. This year for the first time I am more hopeful in dating than ever which is saying something! For the last 2 years, I took a much needed break from dating partly cause I just didn’t want to and the other part because I just was way too focused on it. Now I am excited to ease my way back in. And although hope deferred makes the heart sick as the verse says, I often forget the latter part that’s says a desire fulfilled is a tree of life! I am not sure this blog makes sense. Personally it was just good for me to own this part of my story and share it with the world. Maybe even gets some accountability lol. I hope it encouraged you to own the parts of your story that don’t make sense and feel a bit lost. I am encouraged to know I have more control of my life than I think. And I am also aware I have very little of it outside of me.

I am praying everyone who reads this gets this blessing including myself: May he grant your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans- Psalm 20:4. And should you know any Fine Christian men, applications can be sent in my DMs! 😉