John 4:24, God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.
This was a post I wasn’t going to publish. Its raw and unfiltered. I wrote this end of last year. I felt the need to write so I did. Sometimes, I feel unsure God cares about my hearts desires. But in the last line I write- Will you answer me and remember me like Hannah? What’s interesting is in January, I wrote a blog about revelation about the story of Hannah- I forgot I had asked God a question and he answered. Week 1 of this Change Chronicles was the answer to that question, you can read it here! It encouraged me that He not only hears, but he cares.
I have written endlessly about love about a desire for marriage. I am on the apps now. I have been so distracted by it. So mesmerized by it, have I taken stock of what i truly want . or what I actually need? Have I listened to God’s will or my own. and lord to this i appeal to you., Theres so much I desire in this area. But at times it feels barren. it feels something I can not attain too. As I online date i see some of my desperation.My desire to be wanted and desred. A desire to be held. This time I truly want a believer but papa i am losing hope. I feel so awkward and different at times. i saw a social media story of a girl being similar to me 33 and never been in a relationship. i feel the sting of being behind as 33 will soon come to an end and I will greet 34. And every year that approaches feel like it could be but then it doesn’t. I have felt your answer to trust you and to wait on you. Other things in my head tell me soon but what do I know. i felt you say just watch what you could do in a year. I fear it coming to past too because what if I desire it too much and just settle. I do not know what feels scarier moving forward in hope or holding back? I do not want to write . but I feel much in me begs for it. I long for you to examine my soul in this matter Lord. test me and know my heart. I am so afraid to tell the truth so I hole it away in my heart. And I do not tell a soul, but Lord I need your help. to say the desires unspoken, but also for you to correct the not so good things about this desire. purify it, purify me.
If I am honest at the core I struggle with being content in being me. I struggled because of what feels like the strong calling I feel towards you.I fear a bad choice will snuff out the God given gifts you’ve called me to. And in the past sometime I did want to forget. I wanted to drown the call in me with a relationship that i thought would give me everything I ever wanted. its not true that I just want a husband and kids. i want that blessed by God- I want them in the context of your will. But sometimes it feels impossible God. Me being me seems “too” much, too maure, too called too misunderstood – too so many things. On the app one of the guys who i wanted was C- why? not because I wanted him so bad but because he wanted me. Sometimes I just like that I am wanted. Makes me feel less odd as a woman who has never been in a serious relationship.He didn’t want much from me but my body. And at times I wish I could separate the two. The last time I lived hypocritically like that was with the white guy i dated.I knew he wasn’t for me papa. But I wanted what to feel? i cant say papa- but I look back in both disgust at my actions and desire. Why? Because i haven’t believed you or trusted you in this area. And so much of me rebels. I am afraid trusting you will lead to me being forgotten or neglected in this area. A place i already feel so unseen. So sometimes, I want to go back because i want to feel wanted again even if its shallow and physical.But other times, I see the rebellion as i look back in shame as to why i do this. I am torn ans tempted with short term pleasure versus long term gain. lord you know and see the evils in my heart. I have been too afraid to boldly come before you with my lack of belief in this area. With my disdain, frustration and all out brokenness. But I must choose. And sometimes choosing your right way causes me a pain i long to run away from. Away from the truth. If i can accept the truth. i am tired. if I am honest a bit more than embarrassed of this desire. Sad it hasn’t happened. worried it never will. Afraid of my own desire – taking over whatever you will. scared of my weakness and vulnerability.My lack of experience and how easily I could fall into the wrong hands because of strong desire and the unknown. I want to do whats right but sometimes it feels so far from me.
My desire has always felt at odds with you. I fear. Lord, I fear my lack of experience to navigate relationships will cause me to choose wrong. Or my desire to marry will weigh more than my desire to obey you., What if you say no and I want to go forward- can i let go? There’s been so much failure here. I have chosen people out of deep sadness and a belief that in the end you wont come through for me. And maybe that has more to do with my earthly father than you. I am utterly weak here and truly out of my depth when it comes to matters of the heart. Will you protect me or shall I live my parents mistakes? I do not know what I do not see and its scary. everyones fairytale ending seems easy and inevitable for them. but for me if feels foreign, unknown, hidden away from me.I am afraid you will ask me to do something hard again- to say no to my heart’s desire and I will be sad again. The one guy was asian and I was hopeful and put so much of my heart into it! I just want this to be good, clear and easy. is it crazy to ask for my marriage to be easy too? I am reminded in psalm 10, where in verse 12 it says arise O lord do not forget the helpless. I am so helpless in this matter Lord and I need your help. I want your help in my desire for a husband. I want you to bring him! But will you? Where are you? Why and for how much longer must I wait?
I guess I am crying out for help in this department. That you make it easy and clear who my husband is. That you guide me and protect me. That you remember me as I date and walk forward in steps of faith. Will you answer me and remember me like hannah? Will you ever tell me why its been so long for me? Should it matter? I didn’t realize how afraid I was. Afraid to make a mistake and disappoint you. Afraid of this desire and the strength of it. Afraid of you papa? Why is my view of you so low when it comes to this? refine my perspective of you as a good father. one who has not forgotten about me. It was for a poor view of you that the one witht he one talent hid it instead of used it. i don’t want fear to hold me back in this area papa. I need your help in this area- please help me walk in alignment with your will and truth. help me- You are gracious and merciful slow to anger and abounding in love. lead my husband to find me and help me to receive him abundantly!
Lord I believe but help my unbelief
journeytonewplaces 
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